ormond offbeat

Hey Guys, Don't Lose Focus

2011-06-07T21:00:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, I was connected to this image from a fellow blogger out on the left coast. I forwarded it, along with the title to this post, to the tips line to a blog I follow, Atomic Toasters, and, of course, one of those clever techies responded with

"The forensic data proved to be somewhat inconclusive."

She kind of reminds me of school teacher Debra Lafave from down Tampa way.

How I Fight Depression

2011-03-19T23:38:00.001-04:00

Mmmm Pizza

2011-03-19T23:37:00.001-04:00

Pick Two

2011-02-09T17:17:00.000-05:00

I Guess I Need To Quit Drinking

2011-02-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

I Got A New Job But I Wasn't There Very Long

2011-01-19T17:59:00.000-05:00

My Cousins Finally Got Hitched!

2011-01-05T21:03:00.000-05:00

And Yes, It was a shotgun wedding.

thanks bus

Lost

2011-01-05T17:03:00.000-05:00

thanks jason

Sarcasm

2011-01-03T20:04:00.002-05:00

Happiness

2011-01-03T20:02:00.002-05:00

I Believe I Will

2011-01-03T20:01:00.000-05:00

Mmmm Bacon

2011-01-03T19:59:00.002-05:00

Mmmm More Bacon

2011-01-03T19:58:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T20:04:00.000-05:00

The Smartest Man In The World

2010-09-13T19:44:00.002-04:00

Just Hanging At The Taj Mahal

2010-08-17T20:04:00.001-04:00

Road Runner, The Last Episode

2010-08-17T16:35:00.002-04:00

The New Happy Hour Spot In The Backyard

2010-08-10T19:29:00.001-04:00

I'm Going Green

2010-08-10T19:28:00.002-04:00

I Finally Got A New Globe For The Porch Light

2010-08-10T19:26:00.001-04:00

I Bought A New Cell Phone On Ebay

2010-08-10T19:24:00.002-04:00

Think I Got Ripped Off?

So I Went Out Last Night

2010-08-10T19:22:00.002-04:00

Please Note, This Is A

2010-08-10T19:19:00.000-04:00

Not Quite Gilligan's Island

2010-08-10T19:18:00.002-04:00

Is There A War Going On?

2010-08-08T19:43:00.002-04:00

Leisure Time

2010-07-29T20:06:00.000-04:00

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite…”

Thank God She Is Safe

2010-07-19T19:28:00.000-04:00

thanks Jonco

What's The Perfect Length For Your Man?

2010-07-19T18:47:00.000-04:00

Beer, Boobs, and Booze!

2010-07-19T16:45:00.002-04:00

Four of my favorite things.
This is my friend Tami on vacation in Hawaii last month! Looks like a total blast with her, as usual.

Birthdays Are Fun!

2010-07-19T16:44:00.002-04:00

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her .... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in exactly 11 minutes.. '

It's A Chamber Of Commerce Kind Of Day

2010-06-29T17:00:00.002-04:00

Just For thehorsefarmer

2010-06-28T16:47:00.002-04:00

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!

”No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… ’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

I Love A Good Ad

2010-06-28T16:41:00.003-04:00

Thanks to Vince over at Throw The Ball Already.

Gotta Love The Church Ladies

2010-06-26T21:14:00.003-04:00

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow..
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------ --------- --------- ----- ------ ------------ -----
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Got A Portable Bottle Holder?

2010-05-29T18:55:00.002-04:00

A Demolition Story

2010-05-29T18:45:00.002-04:00

The 10,002nd Use For Duct Tape

2010-04-28T19:42:00.003-04:00

along with this one.

Hey CDM, not just Guiness, but Foster's has gotten in on it too!!

The New Security System At The Taj Mahal

2010-04-28T19:41:00.000-04:00

All The Latest Technology

2010-04-28T19:40:00.000-04:00

Recycling At Its Best

2010-04-28T19:39:00.000-04:00

Riding With TheLittlePrincess

2010-04-28T19:38:00.000-04:00

Heading To The Hot Tub

2010-04-28T19:37:00.001-04:00

Bring On The Junk Mail, I'm Ready

2010-04-28T19:35:00.001-04:00

This Is What You Need When You Date Fat Chicks

2010-04-28T19:34:00.001-04:00

Fix A Flat For An 8N

2010-04-28T19:33:00.000-04:00

So, I Got A New Air Freshener For The Taj Mahal

2010-04-28T19:31:00.000-04:00

Which Is Worse?

2010-04-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

This olelongrooffan Rebooted My Laptop

2010-04-18T14:55:00.003-04:00

Pork, The Other White Meat

2010-04-18T14:55:00.001-04:00

Mmmm, Bacon

2010-04-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

Animal Rights Are Important

2010-04-18T14:53:00.000-04:00

A Really Bad Day In Class

2010-04-15T18:46:00.000-04:00

Now Starring Danny, The Van Driver

2010-04-15T18:44:00.000-04:00

Hey, Can You Drive A Truck?

2010-04-15T18:43:00.000-04:00

It Only Works On The Inside

2010-04-15T18:42:00.000-04:00

This olelongrooffan Is Going Back To School

2010-04-15T18:41:00.001-04:00

Oh, Wait!!

A Sign Of The Times

2010-04-15T18:40:00.001-04:00

Regulations Be Damned

2010-04-15T18:37:00.001-04:00

You Can Frig In All Rooms!

2010-04-13T14:09:00.002-04:00

Owned Pt. 4

2010-04-13T14:08:00.002-04:00

Owned Pt. 3

2010-04-13T14:07:00.003-04:00

Owned Pt. 2

2010-04-13T14:06:00.003-04:00

Owned

2010-04-13T14:05:00.001-04:00

I Am A People Person

2010-04-13T14:02:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Supplies

2010-04-12T19:27:00.008-04:00

So this olelongrooffan has been getting a ration of shit from some of you Counters out there that my choice of Hurricane Supplies is too one dimensional.

Well, earlier today I was over at my favorite supplier of Hurricane Supplies and picked up this survival kit should any of you need to evacuate to the Taj Mahal, just two short blocks from the Atlantic Ocean, this hurricane season.

Aromatherapy

2010-04-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

About That Whole End Of The Rainbow Thing

2010-04-10T20:21:00.002-04:00

Every Institution Should Have This Requirement

2010-04-10T20:10:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, This olelongrooffan Can't Think Of A Title

2010-04-10T20:08:00.001-04:00

While Fishing Is

2010-04-10T19:52:00.002-04:00

not one of the favorite things for this olelongrooffan to do, I may just take it up.

Especially if this is the result.

This olelongrooffan Got A New Camera

2010-04-10T19:49:00.001-04:00

and it came with a built in cooler.

I'm Moving To Italy

2010-04-06T14:50:00.002-04:00

Technology

2010-04-04T19:24:00.001-04:00

Remember To Always Celebrate Life

2010-04-04T19:23:00.001-04:00

An Intelligent Bar Joke

2010-04-04T19:07:00.001-04:00

This olelongrooffan Believes That

2010-04-04T19:05:00.000-04:00

Sometimes This olelongrooffan Feels This Way

2010-04-04T19:04:00.000-04:00

Good For You

2010-04-04T19:03:00.002-04:00

Facebook

2010-04-03T07:33:00.001-04:00

Potentially Or Realistically

2010-04-02T15:40:00.003-04:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad , what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically ?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,' the brother replied. “Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?”

The boy replied, “Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on three million dollars . But 'Realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a queer.”

Office 2010

2010-04-01T20:42:00.001-04:00

Dancing With A TrackHoe

2010-04-01T20:38:00.002-04:00

Hallmark Gone Bad

2010-04-01T20:34:00.003-04:00

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder.....

"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you...

Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...

I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(Available only in Tennessee,Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age....

Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time...

let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...

it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to dosomething special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

Just A few Quick Ones

2010-04-01T20:28:00.002-04:00

When Love Fades

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen..

"What would you like for dinner, Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.!!

Lemon Pickers Wanted !!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Charlie Crist."

Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

thejeepjunkie And TheGoodAttorney Went To A Wedding Last Weekend

2010-03-30T18:33:00.002-04:00

I Think thejeepjunkie Has One Of These

2010-03-30T18:17:00.001-04:00

I Love Buddy Hacket

2010-03-30T18:04:00.003-04:00

A Day On The 405

2010-03-30T17:39:00.003-04:00

World War II on Facebook

2010-03-30T16:21:00.002-04:00

OMG WWII on FACEBOOK! on CollegeHumor

Thanks Jonco

Dating in 1961

2010-03-29T17:37:00.001-04:00

thanks Jonco

Truth In Action, NSFKids

2010-03-25T22:53:00.002-04:00

Nothing more can be said but it sure looks like that guy is able to

Celebrate Life.

Why Men Have Big Toolboxes

2010-03-25T21:59:00.003-04:00

You should see how big thejeepjunkies is.

And by having a big toolbox, it is easy to

Celebrate Life.

From The Women's Tee

2010-03-11T18:43:00.005-05:00

Seriously

2010-03-09T20:24:00.002-05:00

Absolutely, No Pun Intended...

So, together we all can continue to,

Celebrate Life.

Only In Florida

2010-03-07T15:03:00.003-05:00

FHP: Driver lacked razor-sharp focus

BY ADAM LINHARDT Citizen Staff
alinhardt@keysnews.com

As authorities nationwide warn motorists of the dangers of driving while texting, Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don't try to shave your privates, either.

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said. "If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it."

If that weren't enough, Megan Mariah Barnes was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road.

The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months' probation.

Barnes and Charles Judy were southbound in her Thunderbird at 11 a.m. when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup driven by David Schoff of Palm Bay. His passengers were a man and two women; the latter were treated for minor injuries at Lower Keys Medical Center, FHP spokesman Alex Annunziato said.

Schoff had slowed to about 5 mph to make a turn when the Thunderbird hit him, traveling about 45 mph, which was within the speed limit, Dunick said.

Barnes allegedly drove another half-mile, then switched seats with Judy, who allegedly claimed to be driving, Annunziato said.

"She jumps in the back seat and he moves over," Dunick said. "It was like the old comedy bit, 'Who's on first?' "

Burns on Judy's chest from the passenger-side airbag deploying belied their story, Dunick said. The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy, he said.

Troopers charged Barnes with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance. Judy was not charged.

Barnes faces a maximum of a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation due to the wreck, Dunne said.

"My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, and I know there's a funny side to this, but it's also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this," Dunick said. "It is unbelievable. I'm really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys."

Muscular Contractions

2010-03-02T19:30:00.001-05:00

A professor at the University of Florida was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly .

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Don't Even Reply

2010-03-02T18:15:00.003-05:00

If you have a couple hours to spare and a good sense of humor, check this out.

Except for some language it is SFW and Kids.

thanks knuckledragger.

Teeth

2010-02-28T18:00:00.001-05:00

You

2010-02-28T17:59:00.001-05:00

You The Bomb

2010-02-28T17:58:00.001-05:00