Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I have always wondered why

generally, why women don't work on cars.

I think I have figured it out.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Cool Architecture

Check out the roof on this strip club I saw down in MickeyMouseLand this past weekend.

More nipples and phalic symbols than you can shake a stick at.

Referee Training

Water Skiing Anyone?

That Darn Cat

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Just To Let You Know

It really pisses me off when I cannot click on the back button and return to my original starting spot on these tubes.

Well, I just realized that is the case on Ormond Offbeat.

Know I will rectify this situation.

Another Cute Beer Ad

thanks to thefoamguy

Sunday, September 20, 2009

In General, I Hate Muffin Tops

I originally posted this over at the Complaint Department Manager's blog but, after completion, I thought it would be SFW for By The Numbers, as well as Ormond Offbeat.

Sorry CDM Followers, I am just an old man and get pissed off rarely. I turn 50 years old a week from Tuesday and, just like many old men, have little patience for a lot of people.

So, this pleasant, Chamber of Commerce kind of Sunday afternoon, I headed down the beach to my favorite Publix grocery store to stock up on feed supplies this old man needs every month or so. You know, soy sauce, black pepper, chips and, really, whatever else they have on sale.

The cool, at least I think anyway, thing about where I live is that the Taj Mahal is less than two blocks from an automobile friendly beach and I can drive from my condo to my grocery store on the beach.

Yeah, I really get a kick out of that.

So I arrive at my local shopping center that I enjoy hanging at and enter my grocery store.

As this is a fairly large, stock up, kind of visit, I grab on of those rarely used shopping carts and head on off.

Now, I am a single guy and, like most men, I don't shop, I buy. So, I know where I am going.

As I head down the produce aisle I spot the following.....

A mid 20's year old pony tailed, tank top, tattoo bearing redneck pushing a child carrying cart, you know, the ones with benches in them for young kids to ride in. Well this one was equipped with a mid 20's year old girl holding a toddler on her lap.

Additionally, another mid 20's girl with a HUGE tramp stamp was free loading a ride in that kid carrying area and that tattooed dude was struggling to provide acceleration to that buggy.

Further adding to my frustration, there was another, and part of that crowd, muffin top pushing a cart of her own alongside that oversized grocery cart.

So what did this olelongrooffan do?

I stopped, turned around, and started my, usually pleasant, Publix shopping experience on the other side of that Florida based retailer.

As it was, I was able to complete my excursion without running into them again.

Until I realized I had forgotten tortillas for my morning eggs and sausage breakfast wraps.

So, I head over to the "Ethnic" aisle and as I turn the corner, I see these two cart bearing tattooed rednecks moving down this aisle and basically blocking my passage of them in the aisle in front of me.

Oh, by the way, if you are on a four lane road and are going the same speed as the car to your right, You Are In The Wrong Lane.

But I digress.

Slowly, one of those carts moves in front of the other one and I slip between them to get my much desired tortillas.

As I slide between them, one of the tramp stamped muffin tops says, loud enough so this olelongrooffan can hear, "I can't believe how rude people are down here."

Now I have to say, I believe, these days, I am a polite ole man.

I always point out burned out brake lights.

I let people out in traffic.

I carry my 87 year old neighbor's recycle bin out to the curb every Thursday.

I never park in his parking spot.

and cold pops are always in my frig for thejeepjunkie and TheGoodAttorney for their happy hour visits.

But this fat little bitch just pissed me off.

I had left my buggy behind them to slide through, get those tortillas and return to it to reverse direction and get out of their world.

So, as I was returning and fuming at her thinking I was rude, I mentioned in passing that she was the one blocking the aisle.

As she started to smart off some inane response, I turned to her and said....

"Hey muffintop, your grandchildren will love that tramp stamp across your ass."

and I turned around and left.

Now while this is not the most mature method I could have handled this situation,

It sure felt good and I am still able to

Celebrate Life.

also posted at By The Numbers, although with some editing.

Thanks CDM.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Devil Went Down To Jamaica

In a similar fashion as Charlie Daniels in my pot inspired youth, enjoy this video. However, I don't think it is a Disney Production!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Know Jack Schitt?

My New Blog

My older brother, the one who convinced me to get started at blogging, has his primary blog and another that is titled Ozarks Offbeat where he published some slightly off color stuff, nothing XXX but too risque for his main blog.

Well, now and then, I find some pretty humorous, at least to me, stuff on these tubes and have been reluctant to post them on my primary blog.

So, a couple weeks ago, I emailed my brother and asked if he minded if I started a blog, with his inspiration, to be titled Ormond Offbeat.

You see he lives in the Missouri Ozarks and I live in Ormond Beach, Florida, hence the names.

Of course, being the kind of guy he is, he responded, "Bring it on!!"

So, here it is.

Hope you enjoy it as I will.