Friday, November 27, 2009

Remember The Good Ole Days?

"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a

dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'

bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf

a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.

Too many security cameras."

Forget NASCAR, Check This Out

video

Monday, November 16, 2009

So, I Went In To Get The A/C

fixed in my black oleragtop.

This is the best they could come up with.



Well, at least I can still

Celebrate Life.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

At Happy Hour

last night at the Taj Mahal, the half century olelongrooffan realized

and note the only other occupant of that frig is a can of whipped cream!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Disorder In The Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

DEFENDANT: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

DEFENDANT: My name is Susan.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it

Until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Cool Image


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Favorite Film, What's Yours?

This math test can predict your all time most watched film.

Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.

You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.
Now scroll down for your favorite all time movie ...
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Good Luck. It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Yeah, Last Week,

I went to This Great Party...


Happy Veteran's Day

To all who have given so much for my Freedom.

This olelongrooffan cannot express enough gratitude.

Thank You Very Much.

john

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I Am So Sorry

but I think this video explains this. Sorry about the audio, but just look at the title and you will understand.

My Dad and His Generation

are spinning in their graves.

Read this and weep.

After reading that link, it is tough to really

Celebrate Life.

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

The Mrs. Got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you.

But the kids…they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Jane, said “Good Morning Boss and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me?”

I said, “Thanks Jane. That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Jane said, “You know it’s such a beautiful day…We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment. It’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss. If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a couple minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and

I just sat there….
on the couch…..
naked.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Since I Don't Have A TV

I don't get the chance to catch the evening network news. I guess this guy has all the time in the world to do so.
video
Well, looks like he doesn't have a TV either.