Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year


Thank You For Your Order

Dear Bella:

Thank you for your recent order from Infi’s Sex Toy Shop.

You requested the large red vibrator featured on our wall display.

We regret to inform you that you will need to select another model because that is our fire extinguisher.

Infidel

thanks Jonco

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The 2009 Darwins Are Released

The Darwins are out!!!!Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.***

Remember....They walk among us, they vote, and they breed!!!***

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Floor Tiles


Little Johnny


Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * ; * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him .
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

Just Had To Share This Happy Moment

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

No Offense horsefarmer

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom,
decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.

"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."

He gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible. "

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women, eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish.

"I wish I'd never have to work again."

Instantly, he was back in his government office.

There I Fixed It


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Monday, December 7, 2009

$100.00

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town.

The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit......

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

It's Been A Tough Year

and I need to find myself.

Wait, I don't need to find myself,

I'm always at the bar!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Mom's A Stripper??


Here's the message the teacher received the next day after she sent a note home to the mother of one of the girls in her class:
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.
I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.
Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.
It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

If You're A Guy

and the first thing you saw in this image is all those Cobras in the background instead of the sweater in the foreground, I would be worried.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Remember The Good Ole Days?

"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a

dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'

bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf

a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.

Too many security cameras."

Forget NASCAR, Check This Out

video

Monday, November 16, 2009

So, I Went In To Get The A/C

fixed in my black oleragtop.

This is the best they could come up with.



Well, at least I can still

Celebrate Life.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

At Happy Hour

last night at the Taj Mahal, the half century olelongrooffan realized

and note the only other occupant of that frig is a can of whipped cream!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Disorder In The Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

DEFENDANT: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

DEFENDANT: My name is Susan.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it

Until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Cool Image


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Favorite Film, What's Yours?

This math test can predict your all time most watched film.

Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.

You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.
Now scroll down for your favorite all time movie ...
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Good Luck. It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Yeah, Last Week,

I went to This Great Party...


Happy Veteran's Day

To all who have given so much for my Freedom.

This olelongrooffan cannot express enough gratitude.

Thank You Very Much.

john

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I Am So Sorry

but I think this video explains this. Sorry about the audio, but just look at the title and you will understand.

My Dad and His Generation

are spinning in their graves.

Read this and weep.

After reading that link, it is tough to really

Celebrate Life.

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

The Mrs. Got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you.

But the kids…they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Jane, said “Good Morning Boss and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me?”

I said, “Thanks Jane. That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Jane said, “You know it’s such a beautiful day…We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment. It’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss. If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a couple minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and

I just sat there….
on the couch…..
naked.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Since I Don't Have A TV

I don't get the chance to catch the evening network news. I guess this guy has all the time in the world to do so.
video
Well, looks like he doesn't have a TV either.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Gotta Love Our Law Enforcement Officers



Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Cool Person Test

Everyone thinks they are a cool person.

Take the cool person test here.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Up In Alabama

A Blonde in a Baptist Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,
'Someone in this congregation has spread a
rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian community
cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who
did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve
to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory Now stand and confess your
transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with
a body that would stop traffic rose from the third
pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered
as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member
of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted,
and the congregation roared!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

For A Whole Of People I Know

Hey Old Eyes, Click To Enlarge.

And know that, while I am Roman Catholic and know The Lord's Prayer, I don't drink the Lager myself, but I can still

Celebrate Life.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm Moving

So, I still can't persuade anyone to hire this oleunemployedconstructionworker and the unemployment rate in The Sunshine State is over 11%.

As much as I like living near family in the Birthplace of Speed, just north of The Home of the World's Most Famous Beach,

I think I will like living here a whole hell of a lot better.

And know, I will

Celebrate Life.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Confession




'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Charles M. Doan?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Charles, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you..'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Charles walks back to his pew, and his friend Jim slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

And remember to

Celebrate Life.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Futility

So Last Night

I attended a beach party down on My Beach and saw a couple displaying the latest swimming fashion.

I thought you might enjoy it.